February 13, 2012 I will become the owner of a shiny new abdominal cerclage, placed laproscopically. squeeeee!!

This means lots of good things for me, the best of which is the fact that bedrest with an abdominal is almost unheard of- I’ve read of success rates of 95% TERM birth. Granted, I have had a term birth with a vaginal cerclage placed, however I did have a lot of complications with this- the least of which was the contractions that placed me on bedrest. Being able to remain active during my pregnancy decreases my chances of having to take insulin for gestational diabetes this time around also!!! AND I get to keep my job!! woohoo!!!

I am a little squeamish on the whole c-section part of it, but I’m sure I will get over it, since I do have the entire pregnancy to get used to the idea.

And really that’s all for now. Not much more to say! TaTa for now!!

But so did my OB because he ended up doing like, four back-to-back emergency c-sections and cancelled my appt….

So I guess he didn’t fail at all…

It’s just me!

Anyway, I have a new appt for tomorrow (Wednesday) morning. And hopefully not the entire afternoon because I have a whole shit tonne of mess to clean up at work because some people are fucking retarded. Like, I know most docs handwriting is abysmal, and my doc (I work in a clinic) has some pretty terrible penmanship at times, but when the box says ‘DIAGNOSIS” and he writes a word that is very obviously ANXIETY – how the fuck does your brain go- angry??? fucking REALLY????!!!! GAH!!

Sometimes, it is painful for my brain to do my job. I take a lot of pride in doing a good job, and what I do affects people in so many ways- it just galls me so much to see so many people working in healthcare and social services and they just. don’t. care. They can barely make the effort to just do their job!! They don’t have to go above and beyond, they don’t have to be exceptional- just DO their job… So yeah… I am frustrated today… no answers from the OB last night, another day off work (I genuinely like my job, and I hate to be away from it because I know there’s a lot of things that won’t get done- and I hate walking into a mess… like I did this morning), and a whole lot of dealing with garbage today… *sigh*

So, I guess I didn’t REALLY fail after all… you guys got a bonus update and I still have to see the OB!! It’s like two updates for the price of one!!

***updated to add*** woohoo- this is my 220th post! go me!!

In other news, this eve is OB visit #2 where I will hopefully have a date for cerclage placement, and also find out which type of cerclage they are going to do. I am really gunning for an abdominal, as much as it horrifies me to have a C-section, I like my odds with the abdominal much better! I like even more that my odds of bedrest with the abdominal are also much lower- I really really love my job and would just die a little inside if I had to leave it and spend another 5-ish months on the couch again… even though I have much comfier couches that are suited perfectly for bedrest this time! I must admit though, I am slightly nervous for this visit. I always get so tense before seeing the OB now, the epic fails that abounded in my last pregnancy have made me little gun-shy this time around. I know I’m in better hands this time around, but I still get nervous that I’m going to end up with a torn-up cervix (again) and getting treated like a hypersensitive hypochondriac for going in to the hosp almost every. single. bloody. night because my contractions are coming every 5 mins (again)- but then slow down to every 20 mins once I’m on the monitor… (and did I mention that time when my labour was induced and I gave birth to a baby -vaginally- about 8 hours later without a single f’n contraction showing up on the damn monitor??). whooo boy… so lots of things going on in my head. Here’s hoping I get some answers tonight and can feel reassured that I’m being PROPERLY taken care of for this pregnancy… at least until I have to go back in again!!

Will update AFTER the visit to let y’all know how it went!

I feel like an imposter.

I also feel like I want to punch the next damn person who tells me any of the following: “see, you just needed to relax is all!!”; “it must be because you lost all that weight!”; “it must be meant to be!!” etc etc etc…

Fuck me sideways I’m bloody pregnant!!!

And despite knowing precisely how this happened, I can’t help but wonder- HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN??? and why now? Don’t get me wrong, I am blissfully ecstatic to be in my *ahem* condition, but truly, it is not the most convenient of times. Our house is under some pretty heavy renovations- our bathroom is more-or-less in a state of complete destruction- we have working (ish) fixtures, but parts of floors and walls are missing!! Our bathtub feels like it may fall through the floor at any minute, and our toilet does not have a lid… just the ring!! The sink leaks like it thinks it’s the almighty and our bathroom the world with Gremlin’s bath toys as the ark and animals! I’ve only just finished my probationary period at my job, which I love and would sincerely die a little inside to lose. I know they can’t terminate me for being pregnant, but with the risk factors involved in carrying to term… at least I work for a doctor right? Best place for a high risk pregnancy to be!!   My husband has only finished one term of his two-year education- who knows how his job searching will go when he’s finished, will we even be able to afford a third child!!??

So mostly, I’m shitting myself… except as those of you long-term readers may remember- my body thinks shitting while pregnant is HIGHLY overrated.

And once upon a time I said this WASN’T going to turn into a pregnancy blog… my bad. Have I mentioned I’ve been busy? with work, and demolishing my house???

Look pretty girls!!!

See how I distracted you there??? I’m an evil genius!!

of all the selfish, bullshitty, asshole stupid shit my ex has pulled, he REALLY took the fucking cake this time. Or that maybe FINALLY he will get some goddamn HELP instead of fucking around and skipping out on his meds… the stupid bastard went off his meds- his girlfriend broke up with him. He’s the only one surprised by it… but apparently he decided that was a good time to try to off himself. Now tell me, just HOW in the hell he expected me to explain this to his daughter- his daughter who has already experienced the death of a loved one due to suicide? Do I lie??? What do I do if he does it again and is successful?? Am I a totally selfish bitch for just thinking of myself and my daughter and not him or his family. that fucker…

Why is it I always seem to only get on here when I need to vent??

I need to be a better blogger…

I had to take little Gremlin for her immunizations (only a month and a half late- go me!) and met a woman with a wee little girl. Gremlin was completely entranced by her- I made a comment to Grem about not ever being that small. I then got a haughty lecture about this woman’s baby, who was born at only 2lbs, and had only been out of hospital for a month. HER baby spent three months in the NICU- learning to breathe etc etc etc…

Which, yes- absolutely is hard. I was a complete mental case during the three whole days my little Gremlin was in the NICU and even more anguished when threatened that they would keep her there- she was born full-term and never had any SERIOUS difficulties. HOWEVER- I do NOT need some santimonius bitch rubbing my face in it that SHE has had it hard. NEWS FLASH TO YOU SANCTIMOMMY: I birthed a preemie too- MINE DIED. You really want to play the pain olympics with a game of who-had-it-harder? Well, in my world, YOU LOSE!!

Other than that, it was a great day. First day of daycare and one year shots all mixed in one…. Gremlin was ok when I left, but apparently went supernova when my husband returned to the baby room to collect an item he had forgotten. And stayed that way pretty much for the rest of the day. I’m sure the daycare workers were beyond thrilled that my husband was picking her up early!! She was completely knackered- of course the teething doesn’t help matters, she was up half the night last night with it.

Also starting today- the first day of school for PMG, who enjoyed it immensely. The school has a special class for kids with behavioural issues, and so they’ve placed her in that class in the hopes that they can slowly integrate her into the normal classroom. You can’t know how relieved I am by this, with her ADHD, the huge move, as well as the dramatic change in class size (her previous class had 6 kids in a grade 3/4 split, the school she’s going to now has 18 kids in just the normal grade five class!) it’s a big help to me, and to her that they are willing/able to accommodate her to make the transition easier!

Another transition: I am back at work… after a more-or-less five year hiatus from the medical profession and any real semblance of a career, I am now back to work as a medical receptionist!! and I love it!! The doc I am working for is a whiz! I feel lazy most of the time because he does a lot of things himself that I’ve never seen a doc do!! In all, I’m super excited and exceedingly grateful to have been given such an opportunity with my somewhat shady career background (really- who wants to hire someone who’s been home looking after a school-age child for the past five years??). In any case- it’s the best job I’ve ever had and they’re going to have to pry me out of it with a crowbar!

And that’s all for now… except for this question: does anyone out there have any experience demo’ing a bathroom? any tips? tricks? suggestions?? we started the demo and have pretty much stalled out since I started work- I’m considering just hiring someone to finish it, but I am POOR yo!! Any ideas on how to make the job easier would be GREATLY appreciated!!

tata for now!

Because I’m epic like that!

I’m not even going to beat around the bush here. I may have made some kind of error in judgement in moving half way across the country. I know virtually nobody here, my house is well.. it needs a shit-tonne of work we don’t have the money for (anyone guess how much it costs to move across the country?? anyone?? well, I know and it’s a goddamn LOT of money!!), my oldest has a serious f’n attitude problem going on right now, and my youngest is obtaining her very own set of first year molars accompanied by upset stomach, the nastiest smelling caked-on shits ever experienced and a most wonderful case of sleep regression. If there’s anyone out there who REALLY misses the sleepless nights of the first three months of infancy- raise your hand… yeah, that’s what I thought!! Only it’s not the adorable three week old baby waking to eat, snuggle, and go back to sleep. It’s raging psycho screaming banshee baby completely losing her shit until the ty.lenol kicks in…

Right, so I said I was going to get to the point here… The point is this- I don’t know anyone out here, and that means that every. single. person. I meet knows NOTHING about me. Which = they know NOTHING about my kids, living and deceased. I live in a place where people have four, five, shit, I met someone with 11 fucking kids the other day…. and this is NORMAL. I thought military families and their three kids in three years was nuts- but DAYAM!! It’s like a bloody stay at home baby making factory colony out here!! And they like to have pissing contests. Which, for someone with ONLY two (living) children- I’m like a freak! (as if being from Manitoba wasn’t bad enough right!!?? lol)

On a serious note though, I have been finding myself missing my boy more and more out here. I feel the need to have something more tangible and permanent to remember him by here, since his remains are back in Manitoba. I never did go to where they spread his ashes- it just hurt too much, but I still knew he was somehow there and somehow close to me… here it’s just … different. And it doesn’t help to want to explain to people, to confront them with the fact that I don’t just have TWO children- I have THREE, but I am afraid. I don’t want that stigma. I don’t want to be that mom with the dead baby who still isn’t over it. Especially when I will NEVER truly be over it.

Is there anyone out there who knows how this feels?? To feel lost, and alone, and misunderstood?

*hey- in “good” news, this is my 215th post! Go me!!!

I’ve got lots more to come- working on a video montage for her first year- it’s just taking some time… be patient with me!!

As far as that goes, the actual move went more or less without a hitch. The “old” province went through a blistering heatwave during the move, which was sucktacular and we ended up staying in a hotel room for an extra night due to lack of air conditioning (we sold them just prior to our “pack” day, as we don’t need them in the new house), leading me to wish I’d asked more money for the sweet sweet bliss that is cold air in the middle of summer in the most blisteringly humid hot province in the country…

All hail Alberta! for your sweet sweet moderate temperatures!! I’m sure I’ll be complaining this time next year, as I’ll have forgotten how friggin awful a Manitoba summer can be (it’s like childbirth- the pain is so overwhelming your brain can’t process it, and so you forget). My house is still a disaster, and I completely missed blogging about the Gremlin’s first birthday, but we’re settling in quite nicely out in the boonies of northern-ish Alberta…

I’m pretty sure I’m going to like it here, the people are a shit-tonne friendlier so far than anything I experienced in “friendly” manitoba- everywhere I go, people smile, wave, and use manners! Now I just have to find a job and daycare for the baby who loses her mind anytime I leave the house without her, and everything will be perfect… or almost perfect… The house has some quirks to be dealt with… like the electricity… the inspector told us that some things needed to be changed for everything to be tickityboo in the house- but what he failed to mention is that over half our plug-ins don’t work… and we have switches EVERYWHERE that do nothing… it’s screwbally! Aside from that and the plumbing (heh- I escaped one flood zone only to have my only working bathroom and my kitchen flood simultaneously), the house just needs cosmetic work.

and that’s the updates for now… new dog, new house, new province… and that’s really all there is for now!

All the same, I still love my Laura, who gave me THIS:

And because I CLEARLY do not talk about myself enough already, I must reward you all with more useless crap to know about me… seven items of it, in fact! so…. without further ado:

#1. I am a nerd… I know, I know, I can hardly believe it myself. But it’s true. I like [most] sci-fi and also fantasy, like The Lord of the Rings, except NOT the Lord of the Rings- I just couldn’t get through it! and the movies, to me were just not my cup of tea- but for the most part, give me dwarves and swords and elves and dragons and all that and I am a happy girl.

#2. I have anger issues. Maybe it’s just lately with all the stress I am under (omg- the things i have to write about but just don’t have the BLOODY F’N TIME!! for) but I have found myself wanting to randomly punch people in the head. Like, at the grocery store the other day- there was this skinny bitch giving me stink eye in the produce dept. like “why is that fat cow all up in MY skinny-ass self’s vegetables” I wanted to fuck her in the eye with a cucumber. No lies.

#3. I am banded… see- I told you I had a lot of shit to write about. So far I’m down about 20lbs, starting to fit into size 16 clothing and very very happy about it… I had the surgery just over a month ago.. it was my present to me for my second 29th birthday!

#4. I am 29…. and staying that way- anyone who says/thinks/believes otherwise does so at their own risk….

#5. I always run out of things to say on these things, and then later I will be like- DAMN! I should have put that one in there!!!

#6. I am bipolar… it sucks

#7. I’m pretty sure I’ve said it before… but I sing… mostly just for fun these days… I actually don’t think I am that epic. I FAILed at Canadian Idol tryouts… so please, don’t anyone ever ask me to do it again… besides.. I’m too old… for a taste of me:

http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/e/b5d8c2e5

Please- be kind in your heckling…

and I am done… except for the whole thing where I’m supposed to tag other peeps to do this too… damn.. Um… I tag YOU- whoever reads this must do it and let me know you did it so I can come and comment… and DONE!