Now, in all honesty, I would NEVER truly wish harm on other people.  And the same is more or less true for “fucktard” (as I oh-so-lovingly call my daughter’s bio-dad), but SERIOUSLY.  I’ve gotta admit that I’m OVERJOYED that he lives half way across the country right now, because if he were any closer, I’d have the difficult task of explaining to my daughter why I strangled her father to death with my bare hands.  It’s not just that I wish he were dead- I actually want the satisfaction of watching his face turn blue as he suffocates, and I also imagine the utter joy I would feel watching the look on his face as he died.

Are you all afraid of me yet??

Now, this would never happen. Not because it’s illegal, because that wouldn’t even stop me at this point. I would never do it for the SOLE fact that I love my daughter, and I couldn’t do that to her. Despite the fact that fucktard has seen her ONCE in the last two years  (because I drove half way across the country), even though he hasn’t paid ONE RED CENT of child support in over 3 months, and he was already $1500 in the hole- (his payments are $150 a month- broken up into 2 monthly payments of $75, a drunken monkey could probably manage this, and yet, somehow, HE doesn’t). He NEVER calls, NEVER sends gifts, NEVER makes ANY effort whatsoever. She FINALLY (at 8 years old) decided to tell him how SHE feels. She had to send an EMAIL- because despite having asked REPEATEDLY he refuses to give us an address or phone number where we can reach him. She told him that it hurt her that he didn’t call her or see her. That he never sends gifts, only money for gifts, (and only because I REMIND him). She wishes he would give her his address so she could send him things, like crafts she makes in school for him, and cards for fathers day and his birthday. Because SHE cares!!! She also wants to change her name. She wants the same name as her mom, and dad (my husband), and her new baby brother or sister. She wants to feel like she BELONGS!!

His response: “hi baby, it’s daddy, I’m sorry I’ve been a deadbeat loser- but it’s ok now, I’m sending you an Ipod- with an I-dog.”

And THIS is where I wish I could rip his goddamn face off with my bare hands!!!

Needless to say, she IS only 8 and is THRILLED and excited. I don’t blame her. But how on EARTH do I teach this child that loving someone doesn’t mean BUYING them stuff??!!! When that’s EXACTLY what he does!!!! It’s like a goddamn competition to him- oh, my daughter loves her mommy more, I better buy her something REALLY expensive that her mom won’t spend the money on!! Uh- HELLO!! I’m the one spending $20 on ONE f’n pair of jeans- the one who, even when bargain shopping spends almost $500 every change of season to replenish a wardrobe that’s either stained beyond recognition, tattered beyond belief, or outgrown. I’m the one who bought FOUR pairs of sandals last summer because her feet were growing so fast. The one that spends almost $500 a month in groceries!!! Who has a $500 car payment for the bigger vehicle to haul said groceries and the child and assorted paraphenelia. He has NONE of this- and can’t even manage a piddly $150 a month support payment!!! But HE- the fucking HERO, can buy a goddamn Ipod. Which, incidentally, is still COMPLETELY missing the point. She LOVES him even without the support payments, and the STUFF… she would have been just as happy with a CARD- the point BEING that he actually took some TIME to SHOW he cares and send her something. That he actually REMEMBERS her and REALLY loves her. *sigh*

I long for the day when she realizes how shallow he is and tells him to take a flying leap. And as much as it will hurt her, I know that at least she’ll have me, and my husband (who is her REAL daddy no matter WHAT genetics has to say about it) to be there for her, and try to make everything ok…. hell, maybe it will be easy, all we’ll have to do is buy her an Ipod right???