Ok… so I am starting to feel blogger guilt- because I haven’t written a post in… oh… I don’t know, a week or so…. I’m new- cut me some slack.
Truthfully though, if I could write a blog posting that consisted entirely of regurgitation- I’d be TOTALLY golden. Since I still get to throw up EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN MORNING. And sometimes, just for fun- I get to throw up in the afternoon too!!! And for the whole day, I get to gag- usually in mid-sentence when I actually try to hold a conversation with another human being…. Oh we’re having fun now!!!
As per normal, I have probably confused the hell out of each and every person attempting to read my blathering on… so without further ado, I will explain…
I will start off by saying that whoever coined the term “morning” sickness- is a friggin MORON of the highest order. It was probably a man who thought his darling wife running to the bathroom to wretch every morning was quaint and charming. I think, that if that man were still alive, we should squeeze his testicles until HE pukes EVERY SINGLE DAY for three months or so- and see how quaint and charming he still thinks it is. Asshole… pffft morning sickness. And, as those of you paying attention probably know- the tally on months I have spent ralphing my guts out now totals around 6. But wait- morning sickness only happens in the FIRST trimester RIGHT??? (please god tell me it ain’t so!!)
HAH… I honestly believed, that those women who complained that they got sick through their ENTIRE pregnancies were a bunch of wussies. Or liars. OH how wrong I was… and then some. At 9 weeks I would blubber into the toilet every morning… “only a couple more weeks”. By 11 weeks it had become a mantra – “only one more week, only one more week…” like there was some MAGICAL vomit fairy who would come and make me all better just like magic when I entered the second trimester. I was actually to the point of thinking that I was suffering through some kind of psychosomatic illness, and making MYSELF sick. So I concentrated on WILLING myself not to puke- I think that made it worse. So here I am- at 22 flipping weeks pregnant (no- my math is NOT faulty- I said I’d been puking for 6 months-ish, and I HAVE been puking that long- I add a month that I was puking from fertility medication before I got pregnant- yeah, I know I’m SOOOO lucky that it only took a month of medication to GET pregnant blah blah blah- shove it- infertility is not a pissing contest- and as for you FERTILES who have the balls to say to me “at least you only had to be on drugs for a month”- I have a list, and you are on it…) and yes, virginia, there IS a hell, and it is called MORNING F’N SICKNESS.
Ok… so where was I… that’s right… I was talking about daily puke fests when I had to run to the bathroom to do just that- fun times to be had for SURE.
In other news- I have a party animal in my womb. I’ve been feeling increasingly stronger movements for several weeks now- and THAT my friends is COOL!!! There really is just something very awe-inspiring about this stage of the game where kicks and punches are DEFINITELY strong enough to be differentiated from just gas, but not yet strong enough to make you want to curl up in the fetal position and cry over your poor kidneys being pummelled mercilessly. It’s amazing how, even after spending ten-or-so minutes bowing to the prince of porcelain, I can feel this teeny tiny human doing a dance (puking gets jellybean all excited!) and it makes it all ok. *sigh* Yeah, I’m a head case. But what can ya do??