The answer is- we still don’t really know. We might never know. It’s a chicken and the egg scenario…. but I guess I should start from the beginning, more or less.
Tuesday morning was different. Not bad different, just different. Usually, I laze in bed until 7:30am before getting up to prepare my daughter for school. Tuesday I got up early to drive hubby to work, so I could take the car to do some errands. Everything was fine. I dropped off hubby, got the munchkin ready, and sent her to school. I sat down to check my email, and facebook, and have some breakfast. Jellybean was HONGRAY!! I took my time, threw on some laundry, played some solitaire on the computer before getting up to have my shower, and get ready to go into town to actually DO my errands. I noticed that I had more discharge than usual, nothing to really be concerned about, and made a mental note to consider getting it checked out at the walk-in since I’d be in the city anyway- probably just a yeast infection, but I should get it checked- just to be on the safe side.
I went into the city, did my errands, and popped into the walk-in clinic. Hubby called while I was there, wanting to know if I’d be back home by 2pm- seeing as how it was 1:45 and it takes about 25 minutes to get back home, and I was still waiting to see the doc, I told him that wasn’t likely. He asked what I was doing, and so I told him- however, at this point, I WAS starting to become concerned at the amount of discharge. It wasn’t gushing or anything, but I was starting to get a niggle that I wasn’t just dealing with a yeast infection, and that this might just be leaking amniotic fluid. I still wasn’t worried. I thought, even if it is, they can fix this- They will get me on an IV, and I may have to stay in hosp. on bedrest for the rest of this pregnancy- but they can fix it…
After waiting almost an hour, I finally got to see the walk-in doctor. I told her that I thought I might be leaking amniotic fluid- OR that I could just be paranoid and have a yeast infection. She performed a quick pelvic exam, and said she thought I might be right, but she would call the OB on call to get a second opinion. I was sent upstairs, and saw the OB fairly quickly. She too performed a check of my cervix, and confirmed my worst fears. I was dilating, and the membranes were bulging. She called another OB in the BIG city 2 hours away- and came back to tell me that I’d have to get out there to see him. She didn’t seem overly concerned, and even suggested that I could wait until morning to go. I thanked her, got all my paperwork together, and called my husband. We quickly made preparations to leave as soon as I got home. Hubby called his brother, who agreed to take our daughter overnight, and got overnight bags ready for everyone. I got home, and we left.
We were worried, but optimistic on the long drive to the city. I was somewhat uncomfortable due to the reclining position I was in. We arrived at the hospital, being expected, but there was no rush. Everyone was calm, cheerful, and optimistic. I was told what would likely happen. The OB who I’d been referred to would come in the morning and go over everything with me. Likely I would be getting a cerclage (stitching the cervix shut) done. My history was taken by “my” nurse, who was wonderful. I saw two male residents, who also did a brief history with me. Everyone was kind, and I was not given any indication that I should be worried. I knew that I was being taken care of, and thought that everything would be fine. Around 11pm, I was notified that the OB was in fact on his way to see me. He was not friendly or warm like everyone else, and I admit he scared me a little, however, he too was reassuring, and took me to have an u/s. Jellybean was moving, and kicking, and his heartbeat was strong. My husband even thought he saw boy parts!!! We were SOOO excited about that.
The doc let us go back up to my room. He came in a little while after, and gave us our options, and the odds of each. We were informed of the possibility that the cerclage might not work, that even with a stitch in, we would be very likely delivering a preemie baby, who could have serious complications or be “damaged”. We could have the stitch, and make it far enough to have a preemie, but late enough in term to be perfectly healthy. Because of my membranes bulging into the cervix, the surgery itself to have the cerclage put in would be risky, and they may rupture my waters, resulting in losing the baby, but the odds of the surgery being unsuccessful were low. The biggest decision at that point was to decide if we would do nothing, or to go ahead with the surgery and risk having a “damaged” baby. We knew, we didn’t CARE if we had a handicapped child- that would be better than no child at all. An amnio was scheduled for the morning. This was done, because of the risk of there being an infection of the amniotic fluid, in which case, no stitch could be put in… We thought nothing of it, and settled down to try and get some rest.
First thing in the morning, I woke up to get a bunch of needlesticks. I have HORRIBLE veins!! And shortly after went downstairs to the fetal assesment unit to have the amnio done. I was SCARED. That needle looks HUGE when it’s coming at you. But I knew it was necessary, and so I held on tight to my husband’s hand, took a deep breath and closed my eyes. We went back to our room, and waited. The cerclage had been “tentatively” scheduled for 11:30am. – in case hubby and I made the decision to NOT have the procedure performed. The doctor came up about an hour after the amnio to discuss if we wanted to go through with the procedure, and we told him that there was no question- we wanted to save this baby.
Unfortunately, it was only 5 minutes later that the preliminary amnio results were back, and they were not good. Two different types of bacteria were found in the fluid. It was too late, there was already an infection present. We recieved the bad news, and I couldn’t even cry. I was given my options- wait a few days to go into labour naturally, and risk becoming septic, and losing my own life, as well as that of my baby’s. Or, be induced and have a baby who was thought to be one week shy of viability. In my province, they won’t even TRY to resuscitate babies under 24 weeks- I was thought to be exactly 23w0d.
It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. But, faced with the reality of losing this child either way, what choice did I really have?? We chose to get it over with, and get induced. It took FOREVER for everything to be organized. I was started on IV antibiotics, and finally, at 3pm was given the medication to make contractions start. I was given medication through my IV to keep me comfortable- it was patient controlled, so I just hit that button at will. Around 3:30- I got up to use the washroom, and my water broke. I wasn’t even sure what had happened. I told my husband that I THOUGHT my water might have broken, and the nurse confirmed that it was most likely true. I went back to bed, and my husband’s parents arrived. My mom and brother also returned to the hospital- they had been there earlier, and had gone for a bite to eat. Around 5 pm the contractions were so strong and painful, the medication didn’t seem to be doing anything. I got up to use the washroom again, and when I lay back down, I had two large gushes of fluid. The nurse asked if I’d seen any bleeding, and I told her I hadn’t when I used the washroom, but I wasn’t sure if there was now, she kicked everyone else out, and came in to help me change the pad I was wearing to absorb all the fluid. I felt another gush of fluid, and then I felt my baby coming out. He was so small. Part of me wanted to hold him in- and not let go… I wanted to keep him safe inside me. But part of me elated in that I would finally get to meet my little Jellybean.
At 5:25 pm, my son was born. He weighed just 1lb1oz, and was 11 1/2 inches long. He had his daddy’s big feet, and my daughter’s chin. The tiniest bit of hair he had was dark, and looked like it might have one day been curly. The nurse asked if I wanted her to clean me up, or him first. I told her I wanted him cleaned up, so that everyone could meet him. She told me she thought he was passed already. I told her I wanted him cleaned up so everyone could see him, and say goodbye. All I wanted at that point was to hold my son. I wanted him in my arms so bad, I didn’t care about anything else. She let everyone come back in, they didn’t even realize that I’d already had my baby. I told them, and we waited for the nurse to bring him back. When she did, he was clean, and dressed in a little white knitted cap and robe. He had on the tiniest little diaper, and was wrapped in a recieving blanket. She handed him to me, and he was beautiful. He was very very tiny, but oh so beautiful to me. I unwrapped him to see him better. He had the longest fingers- and big feet. He was still warm. I let my in laws hold him when they asked, my mother and brother left. My husband held him and cried. His first child- lost to him forever. I found out later, my son was actually ALIVE when we held him. It took him four hours to pass away. My only consolation of that being, that he was not alone when he did. I was holding him close, just me and my son, me saying goodbye, and wishing, and praying that a miracle would happen. But telling him it was ok, that we all loved him soooo much, and as much as it hurt me, he didn’t have to hang on. He knows he is loved, and missed.
I feel betrayed. I feel lost, and hurt and angry. He fought for FOUR HOURS- on his own. And none of the doctors would fight for him. His “odds” weren’t good enough for the time and expense of saving him. That hurts. It hurts that the actual age he was given at birth was 23w3days. That he was only 4 days shy of them DOING something to save his life. And yet, that wasn’t enough. My heart breaks wondering what I could have done differently, if only I had noticed something wrong sooner. Wondering if something I did wrong caused this to happen. If God just hates me that much- that He would let me get THIS close to something I’ve tried for, and wanted for SOOOO long… just to take it away. I’m railing at the world, at God, at the doctors, and myself. And all for nothing. Because the ONE thing I truly want is gone. I want my son. I want to wake up in the morning and feel him kick. I want to have trouble sleeping at night, not from grief, but because my child is kicking, and alive inside of me, and making me uncomfortable. I want to feel morning sickness again, I want to be huge, and my belly to be full- I want to be ravenously hungry, because my son wants FOOD- and is growing, and healthy. I want my baby in my arms. I want my son.
Alexicographer
04/17/2009 at 11:54
I came over from LFCA.
I read your son’s birth story and it breaks my heart, though I am glad you were able to hold him and be with him during the hours he lived outside in the world. I am so terribly sorry about your loss.
mrs.spit
04/17/2009 at 12:06
I’m sorry. There are no better words.
Lorza
04/17/2009 at 12:55
I am here fromn LFCA and I am so sorry. {{{HUGS}}} I have never experienced anything like what you are going through- I just want you to know we are all here for you.
I can’t even imagine the pain of knowing that for four hours he was hanging on. That is so tough. {{{BIG HUGE BEAR HUGS}}}}}}}
kjames603
04/17/2009 at 14:20
So sorry honey for your loss.
g
04/17/2009 at 15:33
I know it doesn’t help, but honey I am so very sorry. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. And to be kind enough to leave a comment on my site in the midst of this?
Much love to you and your family and your son who was born too soon,
xx
g
fatty
04/17/2009 at 15:59
I’m so sorry. I just can’t imagine.
Lala
04/17/2009 at 17:31
I’m crying with you and for you.
daysgoby
04/17/2009 at 18:27
I’m so, so sorry.
Aleigh
04/17/2009 at 20:09
I know there are no words but I am truly sorry for you and your family.
ninefirefly
04/17/2009 at 20:48
Here from LFCA. I’m sorry, I wish this had never happened to you.
S
04/17/2009 at 22:17
Your story just had me in tears. Your little angel sounds like he was a perfect little boy. WHY does shit like this happen? I don’t understand, still, nearly two years after our baby girl died for “no reason”. I would love to see a picture of him if you are comfortable sharing. His hair sounds adorable. Our daughter didn’t have hair but she had blue eyes like her dad and my Indian skin, what a knockout she would have been! Janaki (our girl) was also about 11.5 inches long. After I gave birth to her, I had phantom kicks for weeks. It was gut wrenching. I too have questioned this g-d and how this can happen, if he/she allegedly exists. I have no answers and the rage is still palpable.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Its so goddamn unfair that I have no words of comfort either. Its just unbearable. I am here if you ever need a friend who will just listen.
Lots of love
mycrzylife
04/17/2009 at 22:32
i know that there are no words to ease your pain, but i am so very sorry for your loss.
noswimmers
04/17/2009 at 22:55
Oh sweetie…I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing the beauty of your son with us.
Lots of love to you.
Beautiful Mess
04/18/2009 at 00:35
Here from Farah’s blog. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful son in your post. My heart is with you and your family. Thinking of your beautiful Jellybean with you.
mrsseed
04/18/2009 at 09:01
mrs. finn, I am so very sorry. Reading your post felt like reading our own birth story all over again. And I know that ache, that anger (what do you MEAN you can’t even try?), the resignation, the guilt, the doubt and the wondering how the f*ck an infection was able to reach a baby that looks so damn perfect in every way.
Four months later and the chicken/egg debate is still happening for us (incompetent cervix let an infection in? infection caused cervix to dilate?) At this point, that all seems academic and in the meantime, our daughters are gone. Please don’t beat yourself up. Amidst everything else, don’t think you could have done anything differently, because I don’t think you could have. Give yourself time to grieve, and to heal, and please be kind to yourself.
All of this to say, I wish you didn’t have to write this post. My heart is breaking for you and your husband. If you need someone to talk to, please know I am here. And I understand.
m.
http://www.themaybebaby.com
Baby Smiling In Back Seat
04/18/2009 at 11:27
Here from LFCA…
I am so terribly sorry about the loss of your Jellybean.
Betty M
04/18/2009 at 15:15
Here from DD. I am so very sorry.
Katrina
04/19/2009 at 15:59
I am so so sorry for your loss. Your son knew he was loved, I know that. I wish I had words to offer solace, but they fail me. Sending a hug, wishing I could do more…
MoDLin
04/23/2009 at 13:44
I’m so sorry. No one should ever have to suffer the loss of a baby. I hope some day we’ll find a way to prevent this from happening.
I know this is raw and hurts terribly now. Perhaps at a point down the road you might be interested in reading about bereavement material from the March of Dimes. Our kit contains fact sheets on reasons for loss and booklets that deal with the issues From Hurt to Healing; What Do You Say?; When You’re Ready to Try Again; and Resources. You can read about it at this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572.asp. If ever you would like to have one of these helpful and free kits, please send an email requesting it to the following address: bkit@marchofdimes.com. We’ll put one in the mail for you.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Rhi
04/30/2010 at 03:24
i found your blog today and am reading through random entries to get an idea of how you got to where you are now… hence the long ago commenting on a post you probably don’t even want to have to think of :-\
but i have to say that it makes me SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOO angry that they wouldn’t try to do anything… that they didn’t even attempt to save him. i know two little twins who were born at 22 weeks, so those asshole doctors have no excuse… i know you’ve probably accepted things to some degree at this point, but i just want you to know that i’m hating them for you right now.
i hope everything goes better with this pregnancy, that you are able to maintain it long enough and that you have a wonderful, perfect, healthy little baby at just the right time ❤