So.. don’t know if I mentioned this or not… But I am… er… WAS a long-time smoker. Sort of… My friends called me the “why do you even bother” smoker. I didn’t smoke more than 3 or 4 a day, unless I was having a REALLY bad day, drinking like a fish, or supremely bored and it was nice outside. (never smoked in the house- can’t STAND second hand smoke.. heh, I know- I’m insane). I’ve quit smoking several times, only to start back up again for various stupid reasons. The longest time being while pregnant and breastfeeding my daughter. I quit (hopefully for good) during this last pregnancy (yes, it wasn’t immediate, and NO I didn’t manage to quit during IF treatment-um HELLO?? stress AND extra hormones- good LUCK!! – if you’ve managed to do it, you deserve a goddamn TROPHY- nevermind a medal!!)

Ok.. so whatever… in either case, I DID manage to quit smoking early in my pregnancy.  I honestly never thought it’d happen so fast, figured I’d get used to the routine of drugs/fail first, and then quit- surprise!- I’m amazingly fertile while on drugs. So yeah, I quit, and was extremely happy. My husband was doing happy dances, and sniffing me every single time I was around anyone else that smoked to be sure I didn’t relapse. And with the exception of stealing a drag from my SIL- ONE TIME (which left me gagging, wretching, and nearly puking) I haven’t even so much as CRAVED a cigarette since I quit for good. Until today.

I don’t even know what made me think of it- I was just sitting here, minding my own business in front of the computer, when it hit me. – I wanted to go for a smoke. I wanted to sit on my back step with a can of pepsi- and have a smoke- a long, leisurely, sit-and-think about nothing and feel the sun on me smoke. And then I remembered- I don’t smoke anymore…. it was weird, and a little unnerving.

It’s amazing the things that grief can do. It’s like, part of me wants to return to my filthy old unhealthy habit, maybe to deny that I ever quit, and that nothing between now and then ever happened. Maybe it’s the psychological factor of smoking, it was something I did to relax, to spend some quiet moments alone, and let my brain just “gel”. Right now, my life, my brain, everything seems such a jumble. The universe is NOT right!!! I definitely need SOMETHING right now to let me just shut everything down, and off, and give myself that quiet reflection I used to enjoy. Maybe I could just SIT on the back step, minus the cigarette, and let  myself go to that place of peace inside me. Maybe it won’t hurt so much there… and I can start to heal… and I can do it without smelling like an ashtray!!

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