So, I have made it past the one-week mark. And I feel like an insensitive jerk.
I feel fine. I can laugh, and enjoy company of friends. I can be around young children without feeling as though my heart is going to rip itself out of my chest. I feel light.
I don’t know what has happened to me, but I think it’s better.
Before Jellybean, I was turning into a sincerely bitter infertile. I COULD be happy for others who were pregnant, or had new babies, I loved to be around babies- but part of me was hurt, and resentful, and angry. I was like a toddler in my mind stomping around screaming “why not me??!!!”
I still have that anger in the back of my mind, but it’s not a toddler anymore- it’s an adult, and more constructive, and redirected. I am angry, yes, but I know that I can DO something about this. I can work to make DAMN sure that more care is taken with high-risk pregnancies- what happened to me, is an epic fail on the part of the medical system. What happened to my son, is an even BIGGER fail. The decision whether or not to take measures to save his life, should NEVER have been based on an arbitrary number- he SHOULD have been, at the very least, assessed for viability, and THEN, and ONLY then, should the decision have been made whether or not to help him live, or to let him die. THIS – I can change. I can work towards making a difference. I could potentially save another mother from the loss of her child unnecessarily. And this, makes me feel that a lesson has been learned. That my son didn’t die for no reason.
I still hurt. I still ache to hold my Jellybean, and to watch him grow, and become a boy, man, husband, father. These things will never be. But that is ok. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel at peace. I will never love my son any less, and I will miss him terribly, but I can go on. I can honor his memory by being the happy-go-lucky optimist I’ve always been. I can still be the “happy-maker” (everyone calls me this because I’m usually so upbeat). And I can have hope, that next time, things will be different.