I felt the need to write- I’ve had posts floating around in my head- but by the time I get around to writing them, they’re gone. For the most part, I’m doing great. I think most of my friends are concerned that I may have a serious shit fit out of the blue. They seem to think that just because I’m not a morose, depressed, pathetic wreck, that I’m not dealing with THE SUCK. I am- just not in front of them. WITH a few exceptions. I have at least one friend (who isn’t my husband, or a professional, or my blog… ;)) who I talk to about how I’m REALLY feeling. The key with her, is that she LISTENS- she doesn’t try to make me feel better.
I have decided that I hate those people. (the ones who try to make me feel better) I have also decided that one of the most hurtful, horrible things you can say to someone who is grieving the loss of their child is “These things happen for a reason.” The other worst thing you can say is “if it’s meant to happen, it will happen.” People who say this- make my head explode. I actually had one so-called FRIEND get BOTH into a conversation. A “friend” who has three- THREE healthy children. All concieved by ACCIDENT- the third of which she considered aborting because she was THAT horrified to be pregnant again when she thought she was done having babies. Yeah- oh yeah… I’m glad she lives across the country from me, and that the conversation occured online, because otherwise she most likely would have been covered in claw marks and brain spatter. – claw marks from me actually trying to rip her goddamned head off- and brain spatter from MY head exploding.
I DO realize that people who try to make me feel better are genuinely concerned, and don’t want to know that I’m in pain- that they are good people, but that they just don’t realize how hurtful they can be. As far as “these things happen for a reason”- I just think, would you say that if YOUR child died?? And if there’s a reason- then someone PLEASE tell me what the hell that reason is- I’m REALLY inclined to know. And it damn well better be a GOOD f’n reason!! Because the bottom line is this- there may BE a really good reason, it may be obscure, it’s God’s will and all blah blah blah… but it is not FAIR!!!!! I don’t give a rat’s ass about any bloody reason!!! MY BABY IS DEAD!!! There is not a reason in the universe to make this ok for me!!!
As far as the other worst- thing-you-can-say-to-me-right-now, “if it’s meant to happen it will happen”, I have just ONE thing to say:
Saying “if it’s meant to happen…” is like saying that I don’t DESERVE to be a mother- that I did something wrong. That I’m SUCH a bad parent that I’m being punished by never being allowed to have another child. That my husband doesn’t deserve to have a bio-child of his own. Maybe it’s meant to be that I leave him so that he can find someone who can actually GIVE him a LIVING child. I don’t think it even OCCURS to people how goddamned hurtful that statement is- they might as well just say to me straight out that they don’t think I should have any more kids. Maybe I should go get my tubes tied- oh right- that would be kinda POINTLESS since I can’t f’n have kids on my own anyway. I actually told the last person who said that to me, to go to a local cancer ward, and run around telling cancer patients the same two bullshit things they’ve told me- and observe the reaction they get. They wouldn’t tell someone with diabetes that they have it for a “reason”. Or that “it’s meant to be”. So why is it, that I’m “MEANT” to have facial hair that doesn’t belong there, or that I have to fight twice as hard to lose weight, or have acne as an adult, that I can’t ever have a baby without drugs, or that eventually, I will most likely HAVE diabetes, or that my kidneys will shut down. I know this post is turning out to be quite the little temper tantrum- man am I a whiney bitch or what??!!! But it’s how I feel. And right now, most of what I feel is MAD. And I feel the need to educate people about what they say and do. *sigh* I guess I’ve got a big job ahead of me- there’s a whole lotta stupid out there…