I felt the need to write- I’ve had posts floating around in my head- but by the time I get around to writing them, they’re gone. For the most part, I’m doing great. I think most of my friends are concerned that I may have a serious shit fit out of the blue. They seem to think that just because I’m not a morose, depressed, pathetic wreck, that I’m not dealing with THE SUCK. I am- just not in front of them. WITH a few exceptions. I have at least one friend (who isn’t my husband, or a professional, or my blog… ;)) who I talk to about how I’m REALLY feeling. The key with her, is that she LISTENS- she doesn’t try to make me feel better.
I have decided that I hate those people. (the ones who try to make me feel better) I have also decided that one of the most hurtful, horrible things you can say to someone who is grieving the loss of their child is “These things happen for a reason.” The other worst thing you can say is “if it’s meant to happen, it will happen.” People who say this- make my head explode. I actually had one so-called FRIEND get BOTH into a conversation. A “friend” who has three- THREE healthy children. All concieved by ACCIDENT- the third of which she considered aborting because she was THAT horrified to be pregnant again when she thought she was done having babies. Yeah- oh yeah… I’m glad she lives across the country from me, and that the conversation occured online, because otherwise she most likely would have been covered in claw marks and brain spatter. – claw marks from me actually trying to rip her goddamned head off- and brain spatter from MY head exploding.
I DO realize that people who try to make me feel better are genuinely concerned, and don’t want to know that I’m in pain- that they are good people, but that they just don’t realize how hurtful they can be. As far as “these things happen for a reason”- I just think, would you say that if YOUR child died?? And if there’s a reason- then someone PLEASE tell me what the hell that reason is- I’m REALLY inclined to know. And it damn well better be a GOOD f’n reason!! Because the bottom line is this- there may BE a really good reason, it may be obscure, it’s God’s will and all blah blah blah… but it is not FAIR!!!!! I don’t give a rat’s ass about any bloody reason!!! MY BABY IS DEAD!!! There is not a reason in the universe to make this ok for me!!!
As far as the other worst- thing-you-can-say-to-me-right-now, “if it’s meant to happen it will happen”, I have just ONE thing to say:
FUCK YOU!!!
Saying “if it’s meant to happen…” is like saying that I don’t DESERVE to be a mother- that I did something wrong. That I’m SUCH a bad parent that I’m being punished by never being allowed to have another child. That my husband doesn’t deserve to have a bio-child of his own. Maybe it’s meant to be that I leave him so that he can find someone who can actually GIVE him a LIVING child. I don’t think it even OCCURS to people how goddamned hurtful that statement is- they might as well just say to me straight out that they don’t think I should have any more kids. Maybe I should go get my tubes tied- oh right- that would be kinda POINTLESS since I can’t f’n have kids on my own anyway. I actually told the last person who said that to me, to go to a local cancer ward, and run around telling cancer patients the same two bullshit things they’ve told me- and observe the reaction they get. They wouldn’t tell someone with diabetes that they have it for a “reason”. Or that “it’s meant to be”. So why is it, that I’m “MEANT” to have facial hair that doesn’t belong there, or that I have to fight twice as hard to lose weight, or have acne as an adult, that I can’t ever have a baby without drugs, or that eventually, I will most likely HAVE diabetes, or that my kidneys will shut down. I know this post is turning out to be quite the little temper tantrum- man am I a whiney bitch or what??!!! But it’s how I feel. And right now, most of what I feel is MAD. And I feel the need to educate people about what they say and do. *sigh* I guess I’ve got a big job ahead of me- there’s a whole lotta stupid out there…
Potty Mouth Mommy 
mrs.spit
Those are hard and cruel comments, and I’m sorry that they have come your way.
Kacy
I haven’t ever had the same experience as you, but I feel the same way. People just don’t get it sometimes. So I will join in – Fuck Them.
g
I am sorry. The ‘meant to be’ one is the worst, but most people at least don’t MEAN bad things, they’re just arkwardly trying to be helpful. Dead babies do tend to make people say dumb dumb things,
xx
g
How I Shed Thirty Póunds in Under a Month
Hi, good post. I have been wondering about this issue,so thanks for posting. I will likely be coming back to your site. Keep up the good posts
Becky
I so hate those comments. They’re such a cop out on other people’s part in my opinion. It seems like they’re just trying to make THEMSELVES feel better. Which, hi, that’s stupid.
I’m so sorry you hear them. I’d hate them too.