Well- not too much has happened since I last wrote. Today, I didn’t will myself out of existence- though I did pull out Jellybean’s things and cry like a little bitch. Today- is one month since he was born, and died. I’ve been feeling very apprehensive about today- I’m starting to feel this disconnection from everything that happened. Wondering if I’m in some kind of IF psychosis and imagined the whole thing. But then I hold the blanket he was in, and the clothing he wore, and I KNOW. I look at his pictures, his perfect little face, and hands, and I feel my heart fill with the love that I have for my little boy.
In other news- I have been reading voraciously. I have devoured so many new blogs, it makes my head spin. Some of these things make me sad- others make me smile, have hope- and yet others make me pissed right off.
One of the themes I seem to continuously come across in the IF community is the perpetual “pissing contest”. It seems that some of us have this notion that they are worse off than any other of us. I hear “well, MY IF journey is worse, because I’ve been on it for longer”, or “I feel worse than you- because YOU only have to take clomid- I’M on my third round of IVF”… this is just paraphrasing, but that’s how it comes across. I get the impression from some bloggers almost as if I’m not a TRUE IF’er, because I haven’t had to have more invasive procedures. I don’t know what it’s like to get three cooter-cams in a week-(I DID get two in one day though!!) I don’t know what it’s like to spend THOUSANDS of dollars. BUT- I still have my own pain. I don’t sit here and JUDGE. I don’t for ONE MINUTE consider myself any harder off than any other person out there. I realize, I’m more-or-less a “fringe” IF’er… I have PCOS that responds really well on oral medication. (or at least it DID- I’ve read LOTS on people who’s first clomid cycle was awesome, who ended up needing IVF the second time around). My husband’s sperm count is adequate. (I say adequate because his count IS low- just not low enough for us to be considered male-factor) We only just dipped our feet in the water of IF. And then- babyloss.
And somehow- even THAT is something that can be envied…
I see the spite- from (some) IF’ers who look at the babylost like we are apart from them. WE have at least GOTTEN pregnant. WE have at least gotten to EXPERIENCE pregnancy. WE at least know we CAN get pregnant.
and THIS is where I get mad… HOW DARE THEY!!!! How DARE someone think that I am better off than them because at least I can GET pregnant- yes… puking for 23 weeks straight JUST to end up with a dead baby!!! wooooooo!!!! lucky me!!! Can I do that AGAIN!! – but wait- I just MIGHT!!
Yeah, I CAN get pregnant- whoo!! But will I keep it? Will I get a LIVE baby this time?? Will I have a HEALTHY baby? Or another baby born too soon? Maybe my next child will make it to that magical 24 weeks- and what then??? Will they live? Die? Spend months in the NICU?
And for all that- how many MONTHS will I spend on bedrest? Will the cerclage (and apparently the OB who took care of me for THE SUCK- practically has it already ordered) hold?? Will I end up with another infection?? Will I die next time??
Oh yeah- funny how THAT never gets mentioned in most babylost tales…
I ALMOST F’N DIED!!!
At one point, I got sick and tired of hearing from medical staff how LUCKY I was that I went in when I did. If I hadn’t- by the time my OB appt. rolled around, (in a week) I would have been dead. The infection very easily could have gone into my bloodstream. I would have gotten sepsis, my organs would have shut down, and I would have died. Apparently, I’m fortunate that the infection HADN’T already spread.
Yes, this sounds melodramatic. But I’m not looking for drama, or sympathy even. I just want people to know the truth. ESPECIALLY those who seem to think that babyloss is easier than IF. (or at least doesn’t suck as much)
For the most part, the IF community has been a haven for me. I have found tremendous support and had an amazing amount of care shown by others in this community. I just sometimes wonder why we can’t all just get along??? Why we can’t just say to ourselves, and others, that “IF SUCKS!!!”- no matter how severe, or at what stage your on. Whether you’ve been trying for 6 months, are on your 5th IVF, or have given up and are considering adoption or child-free living, we should all remember that no matter what- we are all in this together. IF is isolating, it is depressing, and HARD!!!- we need to help each other up, and guide each other along, and most of all to remember how to stick together!!! Who better can give us hope- than someone who’s come out the other side more-or-less an intact human being? Who better to give advice on the next step, than someone who’s been where you are?
I have had more than my fair share of bitterness- and believe me, I can play the “competitive” game better than anyone- but not in this. No matter where you are in your journey, at the very beginning, or the end- the pain is real. It is not less, or more, than anyone else’s pain. I do not feel MORE pain than anyone else because my son died. I just feel pain. And in that pain, my hope is that in healing, I can help someone else heal.