Well, up here in the Great White North, known to my friend Laura and I as the United State of Canadia, we don’t celebrate Memorial Day.

This year, I DID, however have a memorial. It was not fun…

There really isn’t much to say. My husband and I opted to have the group memorial provided through the hospital, as opposed to conducting one of our own. My husband’s parents, my mom, and hubby’s aunt attended with us. It was heartbreaking in a way for my husband’s parents to be there. We are very close to them, and on June 13 they will be moving across the country from us. It was hard to know that one of the last family gatherings was THIS- a Memorial service for their oldest son’s first child… and their first grandSON…

Note that my father wasn’t mentioned… he STILL hasn’t called me…

Yeah… I have the BEST dad in the WORLD!!! I was terrified to tell him, since he and my stepmother experienced a loss when I was 13. I don’t know ANY details. I’ve only ever seen one picture (briefly) of my half-sister. She was premature, and so far as I know was stillborn. They don’t EVER talk about it- and it’s suicide to mention it. I made an angry comment to my brother when he asked if I’d told them about Jellybean yet (while I was still in hospital), stating that for one, I didn’t want to deal with their pain just now- and I knew my loss likely WOULD cause old wounds to flare up. And two: I didn’t want to deal with the “I told you so” crap from my stepmother. I also knew/know that my father is a cold-hearted sonofabitch (and yes, I mean that literally, as well as figuratively- my grandmother is a RAGING alcoholic bitch)- yes, it’s selfish as hell to not think of their feelings, but seriously- at that point I just didn’t give a crap. Heck, even NOW- I don’t really give a crap. About THEIR feelings anyhow- it stings that even though my brother called and told them, because he is an ass- and called them just to spite me- they haven’t even TRIED to find out how I’ve been doing. Hell- I could have DIED!!! And not even a phone call… I emailed them the info for the memorial… nothing… not a “sorry we can’t make it”, not “we’ll see what we can do”, not a sympathy card… NOTHING!!! They live 1/2 an hour away!!!

I spoke to my father for the first time last week- I called to find out for my mother what the hell happened to my brother- apparently his boss called my mom because he and my brother were having a disagreement, so my brother didn’t bother showing up for work for a week- and refused to answer his damn phone too. My brother was fine- my father STILL said NOTHING to me about ME or my SON!! His FIRST grandson… and he didn’t even care. His only living daughter- and he didn’t care.

I’m almost tempted to delete this post… I don’t think ANYONE out there really wants to know how supremely fucked up my life was growing up. Or how fucked up my family still is…

Back to the memorial- truly, it wasn’t all that bad. It was tastefully done, and I really didn’t feel anything. I don’t know if I just shut down emotionally or what- but I can barely remember what was said, or the faces of the other people there remembering their lost babies. (except the one couple I’m SURE I saw at my fertility clinic). I can’t remember what the flowers looked like, or the china they served coffee and tea in after the service. I can’t remember the songs that played. I can’t remember what anyone said to me before or after. I was in my own little zone. I was remembering my son. Remembering the kicks- continuing right up until I delivered him, as if all was well in the world. I remembered his tiny little mouth, and loooong fingers and big feet. I remebered how ecstatic I was to be pregnant. How beautiful my bump was!! I remembered the night before he died, when my husband thought he saw “boy parts” – how ridiculously excited we were to be having a son!! I remembered holding him close and loving him more than I thought was even possible. I miss him sooooooooo much- but I was able to let him go. Now if I could just be strong enough to let this hurt go- I’d be alright.

I want to say right now- to all those who’ve been following me, and commenting- your support means everything to me right now!! I know I’m quite the depressing little sad sack right now- I promise I will try to get better and be a little more upbeat and maybe even funny! But I just wanted to give a holla to the women who’ve been here for me- THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!

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