I’m crazier than a shithouse mouse… masochistic and weird…

I touched baby feet….

I touched baby feet inside someone else’s tummy…

I LIKED it!!!

My sister-in-law is due in the next couple of weeks, and she is SURE her daughter has dropped- her doc said no, so I felt her up to check myself… (heh- I used to be a nurse so I DO know what I’m feeling for- and for all you google pervs out there- I only felt her BELLY from the OUTSIDE)…

It was strange how I felt nothing negative. I just thought, oh, wow, that is SOOO cool- I can feel her kicking!! It was amazing! My new little niece, felt me feeling up her mom, and she kicked me! 😀 It didn’t make me want to cry, I didn’t feel broken inside, or hurt, or empty, or mad!!! Is this a breakthrough? Am I odd? Crazy? Detached? I don’t think so- I think I’m normal, and feeling what a normal person would feel- complete and utter awe of the miracle inside my sil.

My mother in law is terrified. She worries about the next pregnancy. She worries how another loss would affect us. I had to explain to her, that the greater loss would be to give up now- we have tried for, and wanted a baby together for soooooo long, and while losing Jellybean was the hardest thing that either of us has ever had to go through, I feel that NOT trying again is an even greater loss. I feel that letting fear and negativity take over will only dishonor my son’s memory. He fought as long as he could- shouldn’t I keep fighting? If I were to give up on ever having another child, why not give up on my marriage? Or my daughter? Or life? Just because something doesn’t come easy, doesn’t mean you should ever just give up!!! Or at least that’s always been my belief.

I have bad days and good. I am now having more good days than bad. I am excited for Monday, and the first appt. with the RE after losing my precious Jellybean. I am EXCITED to start trying again. I am hopeful that things will go well this time. I am hopeful that we will get pregnant quickly again, and that everything will work out just fine. I have hope- and that is the greatest feeling of all!!!

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