What to say…. The last two months have just FLOWN by. It almost seems too soon to be here again, to be feeling hope, to be anxious to feel baby kicks and to puke my guts out.
I’ve been taking metformin for over 2 weeks now in preparation for the REAL heavy hitters… progesterone first to induce a period, then clomid on CD 5-9… then… I wait… I wonder if I’ll get a period at the end of this, or will I need more provera to induce a period? Will I get pregnant right away? My RE is sure he’s got the correct “template” (his words) and I shouldn’t need to see him again unless this doesn’t work. He said, he’s got the right mix, anyone can copy it now… Hopefully they won’t need to…
I honestly can’t say how I’m feeling now, I worry if it’s too soon (although it doesn’t FEEL too soon to me- just OTHER people) I worry about this not working, I worry about getting pregnant as quickly as last time. (I know, beggers and choosers and such, but seriously? over half the birthdays in this family are in March- we do NOT need another March baby in this family!!!) How sad is that? An infertile- worrying about getting pregnant TOO SOON!!! bwahaahahahahaaha…. (feel free to revoke my infertile club membership). I think though, part of me, in that deep, dark pit of hell I have inside me, I’m afraid to get pregnant because I don’t know if I’ll get to keep my baby. I’m not afraid of an early miscarriage- I know I can carry to the second trimester… but I don’t know that my cervix will cooperate. I don’t know if, even with a cerclage, I’ll be able to carry to term. And THAT- that is terrifying. The look in my husband’s eyes when I had to tell him it was over. I had to tell my husband that his first son was not going to live. I joke that I keep his testicles in my purse- soooo not true… this announcement kicked him there hard enough that they’re permanently lodged somewhere in the vicinity of his throat.
And have I mentioned how much I HATE progesterone??? We do NOT get along well. I break out, I get REALLY bitchy… I don’t know if it’s the PCOS that does it, or if I’m just prone to the WORST PMS EVER- but basically, think of it this way- I’ve had maybe 6 or 7 periods in the last three years- and at least two of those were progesterone induced. Now, imagine that your body saves up for the BIG ONE…. take all those missed periods and combine them into one ridiculously ginormous aunt-flo monster… and then- add clomid on top of that like some mutated cherry from HELL!!! It’s SOOOO fun I tells ya!!!
And I totally had more to say… but it’s all just left my brain in the lurch… oh well- never did say I was witty or eloquent did I??