Um… wow.

A few weeks ago I posted this. Feel free to read it- or just take the summarized version you’ll get here, it’s no skin off my nose! 😀

Summary: I wrote a letter to a pro-life group to get their assistance/ask for tips & tricks for advocating for preemies. There is a current policy in place in hospitals that dictates that babies born under 24 weeks will not recieve resuscitation- or any other medical care. The gist: my son, born at 23weeks 3days- lived for four hours on his own, but was left to die. The medical community abandoned him as unsaveable- without even trying. Needless to say, I take a bit of offense with this policy that allowed him to die- and I want it GONE. I want the policy to change. But I need help- I can’t do this on my own, and I haven’t the first bloody clue how to go about advocating governments and hospitals, and all the bigwigs to change something. I am just one teeny weeny babylost mama who’s currently taking hormones to try to get pregnant again.

In any case- the agency I contacted sent me the following:

Dear PottyMouthMommy  (she used my RL name- I changed it)

I was heart broken reading your email about the loss of your infant son.  I called the Manitoba League for Life Office and discussed your story with the Executive Director.  She said she has heard of this being done recently, but doesn’t know if it was your story she has heard.  She said you should be able to have a copy of the policy the hospital was following and will give you a name of a lawyer who might help you persue litigation or inquiry into this policy.

I also spoke to the Executive Director of Life Canada our national prolife group.  She was appalled and wondered if you would like to have your story published nationally.  You would have to be willing to let your name be published.  This would probably get more attention to the situation than anything else.

There are stories of infants surviving being born at 18 and 19 weeks gestation.  I’m sure these are the exception to the rule, but I would assume that a baby of over 23 weeks would have a higher chance of survival if there were no other problems than being born prematurely.

If you would like to speak with me further you could call me.  I’ll be home for the next few days.

God Bless
*the lady who I contacted at this organization* (yes, I left her name out too- I want to protect people’s privacy here!!)

and so yeah… While I’m not comfortable pursuing litigation. (it won’t help me accomplish what I want to happen) I’m not entirely sure about going national either. (heh- I’m on the INTERNET- slightly more than national, no? or at least it WOULD be if people actually read this thing!!) What it boils down to is this: I am a chickenshit. I KNOW that I am strong enough to deal with the shitstorm that could very well hit my family. I know there is a chance that I may lose friends. (heh- try not to lose friends when you lose a baby- it’s actually harder than you might think- I can think of at least three people that don’t talk to me anymore because since I lost my son- and I only went batshit on one of them for being an insensitive asshole) I’m afraid of the beating my relationship with my husband might take. I worry about how this will affect my daughter, my family members. And mostly- I am just plain scared. What if I fail??  I wouldn’t JUST be failing Jellybean, my husband, daughter, myself. I’d be failing EVERYONE- everyone who’s standing behind me, hoping that I can make a difference. The friends who look at me and see the strong, outgoing, perpetually sunshiney go-getter- who can GET THINGS DONE. I am supposed to be the one who can take on ANYTHING. But this is huge- really really huge. And I can’t help but feel like this is that big ‘ol kick in the head- a very OBVIOUS “reason” for Jellybean’s death. (still doesn’t make it easier- but we take what we can get here). Listen to me get all existentialistic- hahahaha.

So should I do it? My gut, my heart, my friends who’ve stuck by me all say yes. My family says “proceed with caution”. My head goes “eep!!!!”. It’s the right thing. But is it the right thing for me?