and I feel nothing… not excitement, not trepidation, not analyzing symptoms…. I only know I’m IN the two week wait because I had to look at my calendar today… hmmmm…. is that interesting or weird? I’ve read a LOT of 2ww posts by others- it seems that this time is mostly FILLED with all kinds of emotions ranging from hope to fear- analyzing EVERY little symptom- avoiding caffiene and any other potentially “bad” substance like the bubonic plague- reaching the depths of despair over the possibility of a  BFN… and me- I just don’t care… I’m curious as to when is a good day to test- I can’t know for sure if/when I ovulated- because I’m not even keeping track… no temping, no CM checks, no OPKs… paying as little attention as possible to my body… enjoying every minute of being able to take metformin without puking my guts out non-stop. heh- guess if I start puking I’ll know something’s up eh??!!

I almost feel like a NORMAL person- one who obliviously can go on thinking that sex=pregnant. Which then, turns into feeling NOT normal- because I feel GUILT for that… ugh… so many infertiles (and even fertiles- omg don’t get me started on the “friend” who went on for HOURS about her temping and CM and “have you used preseed?? does it work??” do you think we’re doing this right and blah blah blah!!! and oh gawd she’s only been trying for 2 goddamn months!!!) Because does not freaking out mean I don’t want this bad enough? How lucky am I to be able to take a pill, and make love to my husband and just forget about worrying if we get pregnant?? Maybe it’s a defense mechanism for me- I KNOW I can’t control anything from this point. I’ve DONE THE DEED- now it’s up to God, or nature, or my body (which, we already KNOW is an epic fail). I know we didn’t miss ovulation- my husband and I are still more-or-less like newlyweds in that department (we likes our “naps”)… so maybe that’s why I’m not stressed… but why then do I feel this GUILT?? Why is my head telling me I’m a failure to the ALI community by not obsessing?? That I can’t POSSIBLY be this blasè about getting pregnant… Then I think- yeah, getting pregnant isn’t the hard part! (irony- I know… because before the Cocktail of Barfness™  was introduced into my life just getting a period wasn’t a forgone conclusion for me!!) Which brings me to something I actually DO worry about- will I get my period?? Or will I have to take the Provera again? Seriously?? wtf??!! I think this is a sign that maybe I’m not as unobsessive as I think I am- because THIS- wondering if my period will come naturally- or need to be induced- is not something that NORMAL people trying to get pregnant on their own think about- MOST people can (safely) assume that if their period doesn’t come- they are pregnant- I can’t… I never will. So… um… yeah… back to waiting… unobsessively… sort of…

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