So, day 9 is over- the last of my Clomid is done. Now… we wait…
I discovered this week that taking Clomid is like being in one of those co-dependant relationships where both partners are abusive but neither can live without the other. It goes something like this:
I get hot flashes and I go, “ugh, Clomid YOU SUCK!!” And then I stop, and think, but if I’m getting hot flashes that means it’s working- and I’m all like, “I’m so sorry Clomid- please don’t hate me, I’ll never ever ever diss you again if you just work this time!” So Clomid goes “FOOLED YOU BITCH!!- You thought I was gonna get you pregnant didn’t you? Well – eat this suckah!!” And I don’t ovulate at all. So the next month, I take twice as much. Which makes Teh Clomids twice as mean. NOW we get hot flashes, and mood swings AND headaches that make my noggin feel like I’m being skull-fucked by a grizzly bear. (not that I’d actually KNOW what that feels like- I really have no comparison- that’s just the mental image that comes to mind while my brain is throbbing so hard it feels like it’s knocking on the outside of my skull and threatening to leak through my eye sockets.)
And of course: “I FUCKING HATE CLOMID!! It is the devil- I never want to take this awful shit again!!” *ensue buckets of snot and tears* Which then leads to: “I hope this works, I don’t know what I’ll do if this doesn’t work, I’m sorry Clomid, I didn’t mean to yell at you- please please just work this time, I don’t even need to get pregnant- just let me ovulate… just let me know that I have a CHANCE!!”
So we’re waiting patiently to see if Teh Clomids will actually work. Ok- so I’m NOT waiting patiently- I’m so damn anxious this cycle and worried that it WON’T bloody work that I’m in a bit of shock and awe that my husband hasn’t filed for divorce. So far, my chart looks good- especially for someone with REALLY inconsistent waking times who’s also technically on vacation with no kid (again- gone camping with Gam and Gamps) with means SLEEPING IN. OH and yes- I did say “CHART”. The fertility friend chart… which is soooo not my friend… but it DOES keep track of my shit- and that is why I use it. And I am back to using it- it’s like the hockey player who’s on a winning streak so he doesn’t wash his uniform again until the streak runs out- or lucky socks/underwear/shirt etc etc etc. When something good happens you try to re-create the same scenario again- I guess that’s what I’m doing here. I tried to play it cool, and not invest too much into last month. I thought I WAS pretty cool. I tested a couple (ok- FOUR) times last cycle, but didn’t really get too worked up about the negatives. I just figured, it was urine test epic fail again and I’d either be pregnant, or not pregnant, and that was really no big deal. So, when I found out that I didn’t even ovulate- and the “next step is injections talk” it was like a sucker-punch to the gut. I hadn’t charted, so I REALLY had no clue that NOT ovulating was a possibility. (I’m SUCH a noob!!) This month- I don’t want any surprises- and so far- I’m pretty much bang-on with where I was in the successful cycle. Maybe, I can recreate the same cycle- but get a happy ending this time!