Today I am feeling sorry for myself.

My mother called again… she wants to show me off to her new “he’s not my boyfriend he’s just my ‘fuck buddy’ who I never stop talking about EVER and drive for four hours to spend the weekend with every second weekend and drop coming to see you and my only grandchild because he fucking calls and wants me to go see him, even though I called you an hour ago and you completely re-arranged supper plans for me because I SAID I was coming to see you”.

Needless to say I passed. Not very gracefully either. When my mom’s third* husband killed himself- I was left holding the bag. My brother (who I’m almost 150% convinced has bi-polar as well- and worse than I do) was pretty much suicidal. He stayed drunk for well on two weeks non-stop and was making some VERY poor choices. My mother, OBVIOUSLY, was devastated. She was there when it happened, and was completely unable to do anything about it.**

It was me who held it together- the one the RCMP came to get to stay with her for the first 24 hours, who protected her from the gossip-mongers, who spent DAYS attempting to hunt down my stepfather’s estranged son. Who helped with funeral arrangements, who made sure that my brother was still alive and at least EATING- even if he wasn’t sleeping and completely out of his fucking mind. I helped my mother pack, I was a shoulder and a sounding board. I gave her a home when she had nowhere else to go. I went with her all over the fucking province helping her look for a house. I cockblocked her OWN mother, because she didn’t feel like talking to her (and who called about 15 times a day for the first MONTH after it happened). I have been there, and listened, and supported- WITHOUT ever offering platitudes. I never ONCE said to her, “these things happen” or “he’s in a better place now, and out of pain” or “he did what he thought was right”… I knew she HATED hearing these things- I knew it would hurt. (And yet- that’s all I got from her when my son died… )

Today,  I lost my shit on my mother over the phone. I told her that I didn’t want to hear about her fucking BOYFRIEND (and that’s what he is, and she’s not fucking kidding ANYONE when she says otherwise) anymore- and that when things went to shit this time she could call someone else- or better yet get a pre-paid, pre-arranged funeral because I wasn’t going to plan the next one. I am angry, and sad, and hurt. I’m worried about what this will do to my brother. He’s not all the stable and well-adjusted, and he was EXTREMELY close to mother’s LAST husband. I’m afraid of what HELL I’ll have to go through AGAIN when this goes south. I’m sick and TIRED of being there for her- when she’s NEVER been there for me. Maybe I’m being selfish. She’s my mother after all, and she DID give birth to me. She spent 12 years with an abusive piece of shit because she thought it’d be better for me to have my father in my life (she spent almost as long with an alcoholic moron because he was nice to her though- so it’s hard to say if I should be grateful for that- or if my mom is just a fucking idiot who likes shit and abuse). The only decent man my mother has ever had in her life (besides her own father) was the one who hung himself in a fucking locked shed while she stood outside begging him not to do it (**this is why she couldn’t help him- she had no way to get to him- the police had to use a battering ram to get the door open). They were only together for two years…

Honestly, I don’t know why I even care- she’s an adult, I’m an adult. And yet, she’s NOT acting like an adult. She expects me to be able to just drop everything and go out to meet her “friend” on less than 24 hours notice – she completely forgot that in order to go to karaoke***, I need a babysitter- unless I leave my husband at home – and even in that case, it’s just plain RUDE to drop my kid on him like that to go flitting off with an irresponsible twit (even if she IS my mother). Why is it that for ONCE she can’t just be a little bit fucking responsible??? Why can’t she consider what this might do to my brother?? To me?? To my daughter?? Can’t she just for ONCE leave me out of her fucking screwed up mental-case life??? I don’t CARE what she does with whom- but I sure as hell don’t want to become involved. If he IS, as she says, just a “fuck buddy”- why the HELL do I have to meet him? Why does he have to be in my life? I have done EVERYTHING I can to make a stable life for myself and my daughter, the LAST thing I need is her shit infesting my existence. I’ve done the “flavor of the week” thing with her- I spent the first two years of her divorce from my father putting up with shithead boyfriends and fucking one-night-stands. I’ve done my time being forced to meet “mommy’s friends” -and who does she really think she was kidding??? I was 12 when my parents got divorced- I knew what boy-girl “friends” did, (in theory if not in practice anyway). I just don’t want to do this anymore… I could write a bloody book (and a really fucking long one at that) on all the losers and morons and fuck-ups my mother has subjected me to – like the shithead whose hands I slapped like a toddler and told him to quit it because he was playing “drums” on the table so loudly I couldn’t hear the band we’d gone to see- or the moron who was so fucking drunk, he got lost going back to her room from the bathroom and crawled into my bed and passed out instead… fun times to be sure!!

And all fun times I’m sure the internets is THRILLED to hear about… bet you’re all happy now you clicked over here!! I guess I’ll end this pity party here- I could go on for DAYS… but I’d rather not…

*My mom wasn’t actually legally married to her second “husband”- they lived together common-law for 10ish years before she finally got sick of his shit- and he was going to jail for his 100millionth DUI…

***I’ve got a bit of vocal talent and spent years in voice and piano lessons, doing competitions and festivals and lots of musical theatre.  My dream as a child was to someday be on Broadway… I now go to karaoke as a way of letting out that inner “star”…. it’s pretty much the only singing I do now, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss bringing a room full of people to tears with a ballad or making them smile with an upbeat tune. (I’ve done both- and the rooms full of people weren’t even family members!!! :P)