As I wait for Beta results, with trepidation, excitement, and a myriad of emotions that really can’t even be described, I wonder how it would feel to know that I would never even have a chance at this.

Infertility sucks. Infant loss is a whole new kind of suck. How does “you will NEVER have children” – all because you were too smart to get knocked up before the age of 25 feel? I can’t say I know, but omg am I ever having a good case of the “holy shit I feel like a complete ASS”.

It never occurs to me that OTHER people I know are infertile. Or that they may not talk about it. Or that a very dear friend of mine, who is the most amazing auntie in the ENTIRE world (she’s auntie to EVERYONE’S kids- and she is DEFINITELY the best at it), the woman who grew up wanting a slew of rugrats- has already gone through menopause.

She’s only 29.

I only found out tonight and I feel sick to my stomach. I feel sick for complaining about how it’s hard to relate to people sometimes because I lost my son. She can’t even have THAT- she’ll never get to have a son at all. I keep saying, it’s all about perspective, and this was definitely an eye-opening moment for me.