The last few days have been crazy… hell, who am I kidding, the last six MONTHS have been one rush after another. I haven’t had time to process- and that’s where other people’s blogs come in… I read a very broad range, and I have found quite a few who know exactly what I’m thinking- who know how to say things that I just can’t seem to come up with words for myself.
There are things that I’m just not eloquent enough to say. Like the fact that I hate my father. It’s not actually true. I don’t hate him… not anymore. I realize that he’s mean, and hateful, and controlling. I realize that he just doesn’t know how to show affection or approval. I also know that my stepmother is REALLY a wicked stepmother-an evil manipulative bitch.
This past summer, I made a decision to cut them out of my life. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I honestly feel it was the best decision I could have made for my daughter. For most of her life, they have been WONDERFUL grandparents. I mostly avoided them for MY sake, but I allowed a relationship to flourish with my child. Until they started doing to her what they did to me. You see, my father and stepmother aren’t content to just hate other people- they have to convert YOU too. As a teen, when I lived with them- the target was my mother. Picture if you will, a young girl, trying to find her own identity, and being told constantly that HALF of her genetic makeup is complete crap- that her mother is the worst person in existence. Imagine being cornered, LITERALLY and having hate rammed down your throat. Hate directed at the person who raised you. Who, while married to the evil asshole, protected you from the worst of his abuse. And don’t you DARE disagree!! If you try to defend yourself OR your mother- well then.
If you’ve never been verbally or psychologically abused, it’s extremely hard to understand how awful it really is. I once spoke with a friend who lived with a man who psychologically abused her for years- but he never laid a hand on her. She said to me, “I WISH I’d been hit- it would have been easier.” And I can relate.
My husband is not my daughter’s father, but he is most assuredly her daddy. He is there for her 200%. He checks in on her before bed at night after I’ve given hugs and cuddles. He play fights with her in the grocery store so she doesn’t get bored. He plays video games with her, and goes outside to build snow forts, and other forts. Everything any child could ever want in a dad- he is/does/gives her.
My father and step-mother hate him. They hate him with a passion bordering on psychotic. And so the indoctrination began. The last time my daughter spent with my father and stepmother was last summer. They took her camping for a week. My daughter came home in tears. She was hurt, and couldn’t understand why gam and gamps (her words for them) hated her daddy. She didn’t understand why they thought he was bad- she doesn’t understand that her fucking gam and gamps never TRY to call. Hardly even TRY to contact her. But they TOLD her that her daddy didn’t let her see them. That he wouldn’t LET them call. And they wouldn’t LIE to her would they?? They spent the entire week attempting to make her hate him. An entire week that an 8 year old spent, not having fun- but being told that her daddy is a mean, horrible person. Stop and think for a second what this might do to a child- then stop and think how damaging this might just be to a child who’s biological father has virtually no contact with her. Now, I’ve been in this situation. She’s not actually going to come home and think, “wow, my daddy is horrible!” she’s going to think “what is wrong with me?? My first daddy left me, and my new daddy is a bad man- but I still love them both- so does this mean I’m bad???”
It might seem far-fetched- unless you’ve been there. Every hurtful, horrible thing they ever said about my mother, I reflected back on myself. If my mother was bad, and horrible, and evil- well then didn’t that make ME bad, and horrible, and evil??
The “indoctrination” of my daughter was not the only reason I cut them out. It was simply the last straw. It wasn’t even a dramatic exit. I simply never called them again. And they’ve never even TRIED to contact me or my daughter. They have phone numbers for my PERSONAL cell phone that my husband doesn’t even touch other than to put on the charger for me because I tend to forget. They have email addresses for both my daughter and I. They know where we live, (it’s within 1/2 an hour of them) and they know that I speak to my brother frequently and if necessary, they could contact me through him. They haven’t even TRIED.
It makes it easier for me really. But part of me still hurts. Part of me even feels guilt- guilt that my daughter has lost a set of grandparents, and that the child I’m carrying now will never even know them. They don’t even know I’m pregnant. The “family” part of me feels like I should try- I should try to mend bridges, that I should forgive, and let them back in. That I shouldn’t deny my unborn child or my living child of family. That even if they ARE horrible, evil, people, I should at least TRY to maintain a relationship. And then I come to my senses. If they care- why haven’t THEY called? emailed? come to see us? It has NOTHING to do with my husband, and quite frankly, if they don’t like him- they can stop acting like fucking children and suck it up!!! My husband is MORE than happy to go out for the day if they wanted to come and visit. He’s fine with my going out to see them too, if I really wanted to. He’s just a convenient excuse for them to withhold affection and approval. It’s just one more mistake their stupid, fucked up daughter has made, one that I will regret someday- and go crying back to them… Too bad for them that I don’t and won’t need them ever again. Too bad for them that my husband GIVES me approval, that he’s there for me, and actually DOES care. It’s amazing how living with someone who is the polar opposite of abusive, and comes from a close-knit, healthy, happy family gives you perspective. I’ll never go back. I’m finally free.