Soooooo tired.. which is REALLY and truly full of the fucked up since well, all I do is sleep, and eat, and lay on the couch… Oh, and I get up to pee and shower and the other day while I got up to pee I tried to surreptitiously (yeah- you know you like it when I use the big words!) polish my fridge. I have stainless- I hate streaks, I have special mineral oil polish stuff that makes it shiny and protects it from fingerprints and oh how it is beautiful- but it wasn’t beautiful, oh god no! It was clean, yes, and god bless my mother in law, but the streaks!!! Oh the streaks!! Horror of horrors!! So yeah, I tried to give it a quick swipe with the stainless cleaner and paper towel (didn’t have time to grab my speshul rag that I use only for polishing the stainless- shut UP I am NOT anal retentive!!!) but I got so totally busted and then cried.

So are we seeing a pattern??

Ironically, I am so NOT the neat freak. My home is usually quite cluttered, and my walls have grubby kid prints everywhere, and I have dirty footprints all over the floor (and you can actually SEE sweaty footprints on ceramic tile- did you know that??) I rarely dust and my kitchen customarily looks as if a chef with severe ADHD works there. (counters half-wiped, dishes half-done, like, the kitchen was in the middle of being cleaned and whoever was doing it got distracted half-way through).

But none of this matters because I have made it to the magical and wondrous 24 weeks!!! Hooray for me!!! I have made it a whole MONTH of bedrest and no one has been stabbed, even though I have some amazing new Henckel knives that are just so sharp they cut everything like it’s butter!! and melty butter at that. They just slide through… *sigh* even fingernails!! I know because well, cutting things while laying on a couch is hard, and I HAD longer nails, but I actually cut two of them off while slicing peppers. Teehee- at least it was finger NAILS and not actual FINGERS right?! So whatevs!   I am a trooper!!

On that note, I must say that it feels somewhat surreal to have gotten this far. When I started having problems in this pregnancy (ok, so when I started bleeding and cramping, I wasn’t exactly having “oh happy-day” pregnancy from day one) there was very little hope that I would make it. After the cerclage, I felt relief. Almost palpable relief. When things started going wrong anyway, I lost my hope. I have pretty much just been going through the motions. I was almost certain that no matter what I did, things were just going to end up wrong wrong wrong. Just like last time- the time when I HAD hope. The time when I felt that I had “paid my dues” and that life owed me a healthy baby and pregnancy. For the first time in this pregnancy, I dreamed about my baby. I dreamed about waking to the sweet cries of a newborn wanting mommy to come and feed him/her. I dreamed of the smell, the soft downy baby hair, and beautiful green eyes. (I am sooooo hoping this baby has daddy’s green eyes!!) I dreamed of holding a healthy, beautiful baby in my arms and that feeling of serene love, and contentment. It was wonderful. And I finally, finally, am starting to feel hope.

I am also feeling kidney jabs and now have to pee… for some reason this baby thinks it’s the height of entertainment to make me almost wet myself… could be verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry interesting once this little one arrives!! 😛

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