Yesterday… not so all the fun.. But really, not quite so bad as I thought it would be. It was truly a case of the anticipation of the day was much worse than the actual day itself.

The hardest part of yesterday was being torn. Torn between celebrating the fact that yes, one year ago I gave birth to my perfect baby boy; but grieving that he was gone from our lives far sooner than I was (could ever be) ready for.

Did I cry, hellz yes. But I also found peace. I grieve not for my son, but for what could have been. Jellybean is safe, and happy, and I was/am blessed to have been entrusted with someone so precious that they couldn’t stay on this earth for more than a few short months inside me, and mere hours in my arms. My heart aches that he is not with me, that I will never see him grow, play, learn. His sister must know the pain of having lost a brother. That a sibling not yet born will never truly know about the brother they could have had. And maybe it’s selfish, but I grieved for this pregnancy as well. This baby I’m carrying is the last I will ever have. The desire for a whole brood of children will never see reality. There will always be a part of me that regrets and longs for more children. And so I grieved. I let myself feel. I let myself free. And with freedom, comes peace.

Rest In Peace Jellybean…

April 15, 2009

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