I bring you drivel…

Because I’m epic like that!

I’m not even going to beat around the bush here. I may have made some kind of error in judgement in moving half way across the country. I know virtually nobody here, my house is well.. it needs a shit-tonne of work we don’t have the money for (anyone guess how much it costs to move across the country?? anyone?? well, I know and it’s a goddamn LOT of money!!), my oldest has a serious f’n attitude problem going on right now, and my youngest is obtaining her very own set of first year molars accompanied by upset stomach, the nastiest smelling caked-on shits ever experienced and a most wonderful case of sleep regression. If there’s anyone out there who REALLY misses the sleepless nights of the first three months of infancy- raise your hand… yeah, that’s what I thought!! Only it’s not the adorable three week old baby waking to eat, snuggle, and go back to sleep. It’s raging psycho screaming banshee baby completely losing her shit until the ty.lenol kicks in…

Right, so I said I was going to get to the point here… The point is this- I don’t know anyone out here, and that means that every. single. person. I meet knows NOTHING about me. Which = they know NOTHING about my kids, living and deceased. I live in a place where people have four, five, shit, I met someone with 11 fucking kids the other day…. and this is NORMAL. I thought military families and their three kids in three years was nuts- but DAYAM!! It’s like a bloody stay at home baby making factory colony out here!! And they like to have pissing contests. Which, for someone with ONLY two (living) children- I’m like a freak! (as if being from Manitoba wasn’t bad enough right!!?? lol)

On a serious note though, I have been finding myself missing my boy more and more out here. I feel the need to have something more tangible and permanent to remember him by here, since his remains are back in Manitoba. I never did go to where they spread his ashes- it just hurt too much, but I still knew he was somehow there and somehow close to me… here it’s just … different. And it doesn’t help to want to explain to people, to confront them with the fact that I don’t just have TWO children- I have THREE, but I am afraid. I don’t want that stigma. I don’t want to be that mom with the dead baby who still isn’t over it. Especially when I will NEVER truly be over it.

Is there anyone out there who knows how this feels?? To feel lost, and alone, and misunderstood?

*hey- in “good” news, this is my 215th post! Go me!!!

Advertisements