BECAUSE I USE BAD WORDS…

Category Archives: The Journey to a Better Me

Combo feeding is HARD!!! It takes 3 times as long to feed my boy than if I “picked a side”, so to speak. So I did… BFAR fail, once again. Anyone wanna buy a barely-used hospital-grade pump???

Otherwise, despite an epic infection that had me on 3 days IV antibiotics and 10 days oral, recovery from my c-section is going great! I feel great and baby boy is an awesome baby!! He really is everything I could ever have asked for! He ended up spending a total of 9 days in the NICU, we brought him home last Wednesday.

I must say it’s certainly been an adjustment. Gremlin is full-on into the terrible twos. It’s been a pretty steady stream of screaming, kicking, flailing temper tantrums from her for about three days now. She loves her brother and wants to help out so much. We let her do what she can, but she’s gotten really impatient and has regressed pretty badly in her vocalization. Where she used to ask so nicely for things, she’s been doing the scream and point a lot more this week. I’m hoping things settle down soon- could be wishful thinking though, since we’ve just completed the master bedroom floor and therefore will be moving back up to the main floor from our basement for sleeping. eek!

As far as the difficulties go though, it really isn’t so bad. I’m tired, still slightly sore, but I have a huge help in having my husband home, a once-a-week house cleaner, and a really content, easy baby.

I’ve also had a lot of success as far as my weight-loss goes. I was “banded” in March of 2011, and had lost a fair bit of weight before getting pregnant, about 35lbs from my heaviest weight. Well, I’m thrilled to say that I’m now at the lowest weight I’ve been in about 4 years. I’ve still got about 45lbs until my pre-marriage weight, and 90lbs before I’m at my ‘goal’. I almost crapped my pants when I stepped on the scale today, I was honestly half-expecting to see an increase in my weight- even though I can see the visible differences the loss has made. My face is less full, my wedding ring even is fitting different. I’m still all jello-y and post-partum doughy round the middle- but I’ll take it!!

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I don’t really even know how to write it here…. and I’m still not really wanting to tell people I know IRL- which is why this post was protected…

And it’s funny and ironic in a way…

The girl who gets embarrassed by NOTHING…. who can tell all and sundry to anyone and everyone…. Who never had a problem divesting details of her reduction surgery (of COURSE I’ll show you my scars, if you really wanna see em!), her infertility, the death of her son, etc etc etc… I make no excuses for my fucked up, whack-job shitty family- I tell it like it is… and yet…. and still…

THIS- I have kept secret…. THIS I have only shared with one other person, that person being my husband. And this was a decision we both had to make…

I am getting banded…

*deep breath*

There- I said it… and I can already hear the recriminations- why not try harder? you JUST started weight waste-of-my-goddamn-money w@tchers!! I’m sure if you just give it time? Maybe your metformin dosage needs to be higher? Maybe you should try herbal magic again- you’re on the pill this time, so your PCOS is under control right- so the herbal magic should work! You need to exercise more- just have more willpower, just eat less fatty!!!

and… I’m done being fat. I miss being thin, being able to “shake that thang” and have it not be ALL of me shaking, being able to find pants in a size that doesn’t look like the pants should swallow me whole. Shallow?? not entirely. I have pre-diabetes. I have PCOS. I am at risk for hypertension as it runs in both sides of my family- oh yeah and my BMI is 44!!!!

Say what you will fat-haters, banding is a viable, permanent option for those who’ve run out of options!! Say what you want fat-supporters- I am NOT hawt OR healthy with this much of me to love!!

And so… my birthday present to me, is an awesome holiday trip- wrapped up with a surgical procedure that will change my life… oi…


Ok… so no pictures yet… I WILL get to them later today I promise. I just had to do this first… and this was most definitely going to be the hardest post…

One week ago today I joined Weight W@atchers online. My weight is at a point that is COMPLETELY unacceptable to me. It’s been at an unacceptable level for some time, however I’ve reached the land of highest weight for me EVER and it’s just become too much. The fear of the diabeetus, and the lack of further weight loss after my initial 28lb loss after having baby- in any case, I hit a wall… and it hurt…

So it’s here- it’s out there for the world to know- My BMI is 44. That’s morbidly obese. I am morbidly obese. I am barely 5’2″ and I currently weigh 243lbs. I hate that number… I want to change it… I want to delete it- I want to delete this whole post. But it is accountability. It is time.

This time last week- that number was 245… I’m on my way- I just need to keep going….